Slightly Distracted
by Pyrasaur
Summary: How is Cloud supposed to save the world when his entire team is OOC? A parody of poorly characterized fanfic.


Slightly Distracted 

Almost there, he thought. All he had to do was rally his comrades and make a final charge into the North Cave. So close to vengeance. So close to setting things right. So close to the sweet bliss of himself and Sephiroth rocking together in a sweaty, passionate act of desperate lust.

Err, scratch that last one.

Cloud winced and rubbed at his temple, which was beginning to throb painfully. He didn't like getting headaches. They usually ended with towns blowing up, or severe bouts of existential angst, or people getting very dramatically stabbed. He focused instead on where he was going, on the gunmetal grey walls of the Highwind's interior passing him by, the clatter of his boots against the floor. Huh, Yuffie wasn't in her usual dry-heaving spot, that was odd. Focus. Focus on the mission, on what he would tell his team to motivate them. Awe-inspiring, leaderly words.

And when he entered the control room, Tifa bounced up to greet him."Hi, Cloud!" she warbled, "It sure is a lovely day, aren't you feeling particularly like my soulmate?"  
The awe-inspiring, leaderly words wet their pants. "...Buh?"  
"No, he isn't," said...Aeris? "Because he's my _bodyguard_, if you know what I mean."  
Tifa rolled her eyes. "Of course we know what _you _mean."  
"You're...dead," Cloud murmured, weakly raising a finger to point. This couldn't be real. Aeris could NOT have come back from the dead for a catty argument with her best friend. But there she was, a vision in pink, lacking a sword through her chest, shooting a mischievous smile at him.  
"Dead? Oh, you're silly, Cloud!" And then the sugar faded and she snapped at Tifa, "I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you past all the silicone."  
"Bitch!"  
"Slut!"  
"One-gil WHORE!"  
And they flew at each other, scratching and shrieking and pulling hair and slinging every insult in the book.

With a careful sidestep, Cloud evaded the vicious girlfight and continued walking, fists clenched tightly by his sides. It was some kind of hallucination. It had to be. He _saw_ Aeris die and even if he hadn't, she wouldn't be fighting with Tifa and saying awful things and they _certainly_ wouldn't start ripping each other's clothes off. Well, probably not. Maybe in a while. It wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on them.

Something tugged at the edge of his vision. Cloud stopped, and looked at a rather empty expanse of floor. Weren't there usually...people there? Vague things brushed up against his memory, things he felt like he knew. Big shapes...on that patch of floor...loyalty...betrayal...godawful dialects? The air flickered and swam in front of him, and a familiar large black man and robot cat-and-mog sparked into existence.  
"Barret! Cait Sith!"  
"Oh, hey dere, Spike." Barret grinned and waved his gun-arm. Cait Sith and his mog capered ridiculously.  
Dimension-hopping wasn't normal in any sense of the word... What he needed was to escape this crazy mixed-up life of his and find something to bring him sanity, maybe hot, torrid nights and gazing into eyes like pools of-- Cloud's temple gave a sharp ache of warning, and he rubbed at it and frowned. "You guys...uhh...what?"  
"We dun exist no more, shore as shootin'!" Cait Sith chirped.  
"'Coz we ain't purdy," added Barret.  
With that, they winked out of being like dismissed summon beasts. He was again staring at the unoccupied expanse of floor, wondering whether someone had shuffled the elements of his life around like so much furniture. And he was fairly sure that Cait Sith hadn't had that drawl before, anyway, but something told him to just keep on walking, and Cloud put a considerable amount of faith in mysterious somethings.

Passing the Captain -- who seemed like his regular Cid Highwind self except for the strange wink -- Cloud descended the stairs to the lower half of the control room, where the quiet and pensive members of his team typically stayed. He couldn't help but notice, however, that Vincent's corner seemed to be attracting glitter instead of shadows today. "Uhh, Vinc--"  
"Cloud," the mysterious gunman quavered, sweeping forward to bat great watery puppy eyes at him, "It's been so long since I've known the comfort of human touch. Please, won't you bring some warmth back to the pitiful sub-human scrap of misery that I call a soul?" "...That's not very cryptic." Wait, since when was Vincent shorter than him...! Nothing made sense anymore, and the pleading hand pressed to his chest and long, flowing tresses were making him think of someone else he would much rather have. Something between his ears began to buzz piercingly -- the sound of madness.  
Cid then appeared by Cloud's side, beaming and puffing merrily on his cigarette. "Hey, ya know what I just realized? I'm gay! Totally flamin' limp-wristed fuckin' queer! An' I want that cute ass o' yours, Vince!"  
Vincent's eyes welled up with tears and sparkles and sunshine and rainbows and Cloud was pretty sure he even saw a unicorn in there. "Do you mean it, Cid?"  
"Yeah! Now let's go screw for a week or so"  
With a swooning little whimper from Vincent, they hastened off to a conveniently placed bedroom.

Before Cloud could so much as open his mouth, Nanaki bounded up to him, dropping a well-chewed stick and wagging his fire-tipped tail. "Hello, Cloud! Will you throw the stick for me, please?" He closed his eyes, hissed a breath through his teeth and tried to focus. "You're smart for your age and you're still a person even though you're a dog," Cloud muttered.  
"Well, I am a cat, actually... Does this mean you won't throw the stick?"  
Several metal objects jangled against the floor. Cloud reluctantly opened his eyes to find Yuffie, gathering the plundered mess hall forks and stuffing them back into her meagre clothing. "Now, I _know_ you're not a kleptomaniac," he snapped, "You just plan on stealing Materia, and why the hell aren't you motion sick!"  
She grinned infuriatingly, and turned to Nanaki. "Hey, Red! I just wanted to tell you that I'm, like, TOTALLY in love with you!"  
Nanaki smiled a goofy smile. "I feel the same way about you, Yuffie. Shall we angst over the fact that we are different species and can never be together?"  
"Nah, let's just go join Cid and Vincent! Ohmygawd, it'll be the hottest foursome EVER!"

They ran off toward the convenient bedroom, and Cloud's headache gathered into a maelstrom. He clutched helplessly at his pounding head, falling to numb knees. "What is WRONG with you people!" he wailed, "We're supposed to be...be..." "Taking care of me...?"  
Oh no, not that voice like honeyed velvet, it couldn't be. But Cloud dragged his reeling vision upward and there he was, the highest of sex gods, the mighty general Sephiroth. "Come on, Cloud," he mumured, sucking provocatively at one slender finger, "It doesn't have to be this way. Come back to me, lover."  
How did he even get here? It didn't matter, blazing heat was fogging Cloud's thoughts and all he wanted was to writhe under that beautiful man, his mind was in agony and release would make it stop. But something nagged at him, a tiny voice behind the desire and the pain -- nothing was as simple as mansex and _none of this was right_.  
"...No," Cloud grated.  
"...What?"  
"I said _no_. It's over, Sephiroth. We're through."  
Yes, that felt better. He hated Sephiroth. Revenge and violence and the world about to end, no sickly sweet hidden passions getting in the way. His head cleared a little and Cloud looked up, into Sephiroth's hurt mako-green eyes.  
"...Well, fine, Cloud," the ultimate soldier sobbed, "We'll meet again!" Sephiroth flew away and was gone.

And the headache evaporated. He felt...normal. Cloud climbed the stairs and looked around; Barret and Cait Sith were there, and Tifa, and they weren't acting unusual at all. Things were as they should be, free of the demented grip of some cosmic author. Everyone was back in character.  
"Uhh, Cloud, why are Aeris's remains sitting over there in a pile?" Tifa asked him, glancing back nervously and holding her torn shirt together.  
Cloud just watched the ground passing by beneath the Highwind, and smiled. "It doesn't matter. Let's go defeat Sephiroth, everyone. Let's save our Planet." Awe-inspiring, leaderly words.  
And from the convenient bedroom, the screaming began.

The End


End file.
